


Tangled

by Grey (grey853)



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Angst, Drama, First Times, M/M, Series: Tangled, h/c
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 04:31:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/793985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grey853/pseuds/Grey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Jim discovers that Blair's been lying about a number of things, he needs to figure out why.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tangled

## Tangled

by Grey

Author's webpage: <http://grey.ravenshadow.net/>

* * *

Disclaimer: Not mine and I get really tired of having to admit that. One of these days I'm just going to lie about it and see what happens. 

Notes: The title comes from the quote, "What a tangled web we weave when once we practice to deceive." I like that. 

* * *

Jim Ellison stepped down the stairs refreshed after a full night's rest. Pitch black dreams, void of all memory, coupled with utter exhaustion made for the best in peaceful sleep, something he desperately needed after such a tough case. Taking a deep breath, he filled his lungs and enjoyed the rush of mental clarity extra oxygen brought to his thinking. Midway down the staircase, he stopped. "Shit." 

Still dressed in jeans and T-shirt, Blair lay slumped over a stack of blue exam books, his head resting on a cushion of folded arms. The muscles in his chest tightened as he watched the slow and easy breathing. Rarely did he see his young friend ever remain so still. That part pleased him. Unfortunately, such warm and cozy feelings fled pretty quickly when he realized that the grad student always pushed himself way too hard. He hated the way the kid neglected his own health in favor of working past normal limits of good sense. 

Guilt at being the key motivation for that lifestyle niggled at the back of his mind where he kept it pretty well fettered and under control despite the annoying, persistent bark. Needing his guide masked the nagging worry that he sometimes asked too much from his partner. He couldn't afford to listen to such reason and risk hearing what he most wanted to avoid knowing. Blair defined devotion and Jim greedily devoured it. 

Shaking his head, he walked over to the sleeping figure and nudged a shoulder. "Hey, Chief, you need to get up and go to bed." 

"Uhhhm...." Muffled sounds drifted up as Blair raised his head, bloodshot eyes blurry and unfocused. Seeing Jim, he groaned at the stark disapproval and hard jaw. "Hey, man. I'm up. Sorry. Did I oversleep or something?" 

"Or something." Reaching out a hand, he tousled the already tangled mass of curls. "How late did you stay up?" 

Rubbing his eyes, Blair shrugged. "Don't know, man. Too wound up. Last time I looked it was after 4, but I think I got a few more graded after that. What time is it now and is there coffee yet?" 

Smiling at his friend's plea for his morning elixir, he stepped over to start brewing. "It's only 7. We get to go in later today since the Harrison case is finished." 

"Thank god for that." The involuntary shiver did not go unnoticed. 

"You okay?" 

"Yeah, I just don't want to think about what happened." 

"We can talk about it if you want, Chief. In fact, we probably need to." 

Quick shakes of the head and hand waving emphasized the words. "No way, man. It's too early for that shit. I can't handle it right now, okay?" 

"Okay. We'll talk about it later." 

"Whatever, Jim. Right now, I just need coffee." 

Teasingly, he spoke lightly to change the mood. "Don't worry. I'm making it. Just settle down. Hell, you act like a damn addict or something." Ignoring the grunt of rebuttal, he added, "By the way, Simon said we could come in around 9 to do follow up reports." 

"Yeah? I don't remember him saying that?" 

"You were a little distracted." Jim's face softened at the memory of his friend comforting John Kelsy's sister at the station. Blair always supported the victims and the family members with the right word and strong shoulder better than any cop could. Jim wondered how much that skill cost the young man, a man who's sympathetic nature worked both as a blessing and a curse. 

Filling the pot with water and then getting down the filters, he turned more serious. "Chief, you've only had a few hours sleep the last few nights now. I mean, after what happened even I crashed out. Don't you think you're wearing yourself a little thin around the edges?" 

The younger man stumbled to stand beside his partner in the kitchen. He took a big whiff of the aromatic grounds and then leaned back to rest against the refrigerator. "God, that smells good. I love coffee in the morning. You want the first shower?" 

Jim studied his sleepy friend for a few moments and narrowed his senses. He'd been on Blair watch long enough to be able to tell when his guide tried to distract him. The heart beat increased and he scooted the conversation as far away from the question as possible. Why the hell would Blair not want to talk about not sleeping? "Chief, what's going on? 

"Nothing. Hey, did you talk to Brown about his party this Saturday night? He said something about it being pot luck. Are we going or do you have plans?" 

"Yeah, I talked to him and yeah, I'd like to go. I didn't know if you'd be up to it though." 

"Jim, I'm fine. Really." 

Jim put the lid on the coffee maker and beamed a direct look. "Okay. What is it?" 

"What's what?" 

"Is it the Harrison case and Kelsy or are you having a hard time at school? You've avoided my question twice in less than a minute. What's going on?" 

"Nothing, man. I'm tired, that's all. I was just so wired and had so much to do last night. I'm sorry about staying up so late, but I forgot to set the alarm to remind myself to go to bed. You know how I am once I start working." 

Leaning against the counter with one arm, his other hand on his hip, Jim watched in disapproval as Blair avoided looking up or standing still. He rocked back and forth from the refrigerator. Dark circles around his normally bright eyes shadowed even more grey as he stared at his feet. 

"Yeah, I do know how you are, Chief. That's why I'm asking. You keep this up and you won't be any good to either job. I know you think you have to be with me every minute, but you really don't. You could stay here today and get caught up on sleep and then finish your school work. I wouldn't mind." 

Blair glanced up, cautious, uncharacteristically wary. Jim wondered what the hell kind of visions ran behind those tired eyes sometimes. "You really wouldn't mind if I took a day off?" 

"I wouldn't mind, Chief. Besides, today is just mainly tying up loose ends, writing up reports and things. Of course, normally I'd let you do all the fetching and typing, but I guess I can sacrifice your organizational and word processing skills for one day." 

"Thanks, man. I appreciate it." Blair reached up to get the mugs for the coffee, again careful not to get too close or look up. 

"So, you're going to take advantage and get some rest?" 

"Sure, just as soon as I finish those papers." Again, the heart skip and increase in heat alerted Jim to Blair's anxiety to his own words. 

Deciding not to push it for the moment, he just nodded. "Okay, but by this evening, I don't want to see another one of those damn blue books near the living room. I'm starting to have a negative reaction to the smell of red ink." 

"Sure, Jim, no problem. Thanks, man." Blair leaned back again and closed his eyes, his arms crossed. Nervously, he shifted foot to foot while he waited impatiently for the magic morning solution. 

Moving off to the bathroom, Jim did a mental checklist of all the problems that his guide might be facing to cause such a reaction. After all the things they'd been through together, it made for a pretty extensive catalog of events. Watching his friend John Kelsy die yesterday no doubt made for top of the list. Shutting the door behind him, he sighed as he relieved himself. Then he flushed, washed his hands, and decided that by evening, sentinel and guide needed to engage in a little interrogation and set a few things straight between them. Blair could dance around his problems all he wanted, but there'd be no escape this time. 

Without warning an unexpected mental picture startled him from his daily planning. He saw in detail his futile struggles as a naked, fully erect Blair ran an open, masterful hand over tight leather bonds, bonds holding Jim prisoner across the bed, his legs spread-eagled and secured. His own growing arousal at such a sexy vision--the furry chest rubbing against his, the restraining straps between them, studded cock ring bulging--surprised him even more. 

"Jesus, Ellison, get a grip. This is getting out of hand here. He's your partner for christsakes." He shook his head vigorously in disgust and in an effort to clear away the rush running through his overly sensitive skin. 

He blushed even harder with amazement as his mind betrayed him once more. He flashed on his arms locked around Blair's waist as he thrust deep and hard into the tightest ass he could imagine as his guide's voice commanded him to go faster. His sweaty thighs trembled in sensory anticipation. 

Leaning forward, both arms supported against the sink, head sagging in frustration, he moaned, "Damn it, Chief. When is this going to end?" 

* * *

"Jim, where the hell is Sandburg?" Simon Banks stood in the doorway chewing viciously on a cigar . Hands on his hips, black eyes fiery, he didn't give a picture of sunshine and light. 

"Good morning to you, too, sir. Having a great day?" 

"Don't start with me, Jim. Where's Sandburg?" 

"At home sleeping, I hope. Why?" 

"Sleeping? Is he okay?" 

"As okay as he can be under the circumstances, Captain. I thought he could use a day off." 

Taking a deep breath, Simon glanced down at a paper and then back at Jim. "In my office, Ellison. We need to talk." 

"Yes, sir." Stomach tight, Jim passed by his captain and waited for him to close the door before speaking. "What's going on?" 

"First of all, let me say you look a hell of a lot better than yesterday. It's a shame about Kelsy though. Another murder on Harrison's list. Wish we could've gotten there sooner." 

The replay of John Kelsy's face as the man died in Blair's arms chilled him. He saw his guide's hands desperately trying to stop the blood flow from the bullet wound to the chest. Kelsy's last breath joined with his friend's panicked breathing. 

He remembered almost nothing of his own zone out. Blair rescued him from scarlet oblivion, brought him back from the shifting red clouds that enveloped his mind in a series of crippling thunder claps and death rattles. 

"Jim?" 

"Yeah?" 

"You okay?" 

"Yeah, I'm fine. I was just thinking of Kelsy. No one expected him to be there." Jim turned his focus back full force on his captain. 

"Yeah, I know. Just one of those cases of bad timing. Damn unlucky." Simon leaned forward a moment. "I didn't know Sandburg knew him." 

"Neither did I until yesterday." 

"Did Blair talk about their relationship or say how they met?" 

"Is that important?" 

Studying his officer with a more squinted vision, Simon shook his head. "No, not to me, but it might come up in the trial." 

"No reason why it should, Simon." 

"He might be asked to testify about Harrison and Kelsy's connection." 

"Blair has nothing to do with his death or Kelsy's involvement with the killer. If it does come up, it would be a real stretch, but we'll deal with it then." Trying not to think anymore about the dead artist and his relationship with his partner, he asked, "Why do you want to see Blair?" 

He held up a paper and asked, "Has he said anything to you about needing to get a physical this week?" 

"Physical? Physical for what? What are you talking about?" He took the paper from the extended hand and read it. 

"They've changed policy again. The folks in charge now demand that even consultants with the department have to get an annual check up to maintain ride along status. Hasn't he said anything at all to you about this?" 

"No." Jim looked up confused. "It says here he's failed to appear for the pre-arranged appointments three different times and failed to reschedule." 

"Jim, he's known about this for over three weeks. Why hasn't he taken care of it?" 

"Why didn't he tell me about it is a better question." 

Simon sat down behind his desk, tapped ash from his cigar. "Jim, I got that notice this morning. If he doesn't have that check up by the end of this week, they're going to pull his credentials." 

"I see that. Simon, did you know about this?" 

"I talked to Blair a month ago about the new policy and then forgot about it completely. I gave him the information and forms and just assumed he'd taken care of it." 

Jim sat down, both angry and fearful. He hated when Blair played these ridiculous kind of games. "I wish you'd told me." 

"It wasn't my place, Jim. Plus, to be honest, I never thought it was a problem." 

"Well, obviously it is to Blair for some reason." 

Pouring out some coffee, Simon nodded. "I can see that now. I should've sensed he'd pull something like this." 

Jim leaned forward and asked, "Why? Did he say something?" 

"No, not exactly, but he got really quiet. That should've clued me in. Sandburg doesn't' shut up without a reason. I'm sorry. I should've followed up." 

Still confused, his face scrunched up. "But, sir, it also says here that this is the third notice to this office." 

"Yeah, I saw that, but that's the first notice I've actually seen. I called records first thing this morning and they said it was no mistake. The other notices were sent. I just never got them." 

"Damn." 

"Sandburg's usually here early enough to run a reconnaissance of the papers if he wanted to. This morning he didn't get the chance to catch it. I hate to think he'd be that devious, but it fits." 

Shaking his head in bewilderment. "Oh, he's more than devious enough. I just can't believe he'd pull something like this and think he could get away with it. And why the hell would he want to?" 

"You'll have to ask him. This is serious, Jim, for a lot of reasons." 

"I know that, Simon." His muscles tightened as he forced himself not to storm out of the room in a hurry. "I need to go home. I'll do the reports later, but I've got to find out what's going on." 

"Just be sure he goes to that appointment tomorrow, Jim. I'll deal with the trust issue later. After seeing you zone again yesterday, if his status gets pulled, your only ride along will be a desk." 

Jim stood, his voice tense, frustration shaping his words into mere pleas. "Come on, Simon. You can't do that." 

Holding up a hand and closing his eyes for just an instant, Simon dismissed any argument. "Listen, Jim, it's too dangerous. If Sandburg hadn't been there, no telling what we would've had to do to get you back. Thank god it didn't happen until the shooting stopped." 

Locking eyes with his detective, Simon's already gruff voice got thicker. "But what if you had zoned out during the gunfire? What would've happened, Jim? I just can't risk that. Get Blair checked out and the forms signed or nobody's going to be happy. I don't want to lose my best team over something like this. Find out what's going on with your partner. Do I make myself clear?" 

"Absolutely, sir." His voice sliced through the air, tight and edgy. 

Just as he turned to leave, Simon added. "Jim, let me know if you need back up." 

"Don't joke, Simon." He rubbed his jaw, still staring at the paper, perplexed. "I can't figure out what he's thinking." 

Simon leaned back in his chair, cigar in hand. "Look, Jim, the kid's deliberately fought this long and hard, so he's not going down easy. You know how damn evasive and slick he can be when he's being stubborn about something. And you know the worst part?" 

"What?" 

"We trained him to be even smoother than when he first came here." 

"Then it's a damn good thing I was in special forces. Now that I know there's an operation going on, I'll be able to spot the maneuvers." 

"Maybe. But he's got the advantage over you, my friend. He's faster at the game and a hell of a lot cuter." 

Jim jerked upright, confused. "What's that supposed to mean?" 

"You're the detective, Jim. You figure it out." 

* * *

By the time Jim arrived at Blair's university office door, he had to rely on old skills to control his breathing. Just what the hell could his partner hope to gain by being so damn stupid? He fought down the urge to kick open the door and bust him. Instead, when he entered to find his friend talking to a young lady, he used his best, well-practiced detective's voice, "Sandburg, we need to talk." 

Startled, his eyes wide, Blair spoke quickly. "Jim? What are you doing here?" 

"Now, Chief. I'm sorry, Ms....." 

"Jamison. Annie Jamison." 

"Ms. Jamison. Mr. Sandburg and I have some important issues to discuss. Could you come back some other time?" 

Blair stood up, face flushed, his voice strained. "Jim, whatever's going on, man, just cool it. Give me a minute, okay? We're almost done here." 

"A minute. No more." He stood there, arms crossed, jaws clenched so tightly they stretched every facial muscle to painful limits. His eyes focused a fierceness so intense, his guide's previous irritation shifted to quick compliance. 

"Okay, a minute then." He turned back to the girl, his face tense. "Look, Annie. I know you got a C and we talked about why. Did you understand the reasons I pointed out?" 

"Yeah, I think so. I need to give more quotes and examples to support my ideas. I thought I did that, but I guess not." 

"Okay, so, I'll let you redo the paper and if you do better on the final you'll be able to get at least a B for the semester. You're getting better with every effort. Just keep trying, okay?" 

"Sure, I guess. Writing about this kind of stuff is really hard for me sometimes. Thanks for explaining it to me." She took the paper from his hand and put it in her back pack. She glanced nervously at Jim's intimidating stance and swallowed hard. Leaning in, trying to whisper as though the larger man couldn't her, she spoke in a hush. "Are you sure I should leave, Mr. Sandburg? No offense, but he looks really pissed." Jim said nothing as his jaw twitched. 

Blair patted her shoulder reassuringly and, without looking at his partner, escorted her to the door. "Don't worry about it, Annie. I'll be fine. He's a friend." 

"Yeah, right. Whatever. Thanks. I'll see you at tomorrow's lecture." 

He no sooner turned around than Jim stepped closer. "What the hell are you playing at, Chief?" 

"Man, first of all, I can't believe you just barged in here like that. That is so not cool, not even close." 

"You were supposed to be home sleeping." 

"So? You said take the day off and catch up, so that's what I did. I needed to meet with about 5 different students today." Blair walked back over to his desk and picked up a stack of papers, the frustration tripping up his movements. "See these, Jim? Nobody comes in and does my paperwork except me. Understand? This is my job, man." 

"You were supposed to work at the loft. Chief, you're exhausted. Why make it worse?" 

"I needed to see the students and thought I could work better here. Besides, I couldn't sleep anyway." He fell down to the chair, his hand to his mouth, his back straight and defensive. 

His anger changed to concern. "Blair, you're right about barging in here. I should've waited until you were finished." 

"Yeah, you should have. I just don't believe you sometimes, Jim. So, what's this really about? What difference does it make where I work?" 

Jim sat down across from him and pulled out the folded yellow paper. Handing it to his guide, he asked quietly. "Want to explain this to me, Chief?" 

Blair barely glanced at the form before turning pale. "Shit." 

"Did you really think this would go away? Why didn't you tell me about it?" 

"I meant to, Jim. I really did, but I got busy." 

"Too busy to even mention it? I don't believe that." 

Still petulant working up to defiant, Blair cocked his head. "I can't help what you believe, man." 

Frowning, the larger man leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. "Look at me, Chief. I want the truth." 

Still avoiding eye contact, Blair voice suddenly weakened. "I was busy, Jim. Between school and the station I didn't have time. Besides, it's a stupid rule." 

"It doesn't matter if it's a stupid rule. It's a rule you have to follow. You know that." 

"I really meant to get it done, Jim. It just never happened." 

The guide's vitals set a record for take off. Everything worked too hard and too fast, his heart, his breathing, his blood pressure. "Blair, I need you to look at me and be honest. What's going on?" 

Blue eyes met the sentinel's. "It's going to sound stupid." 

"Probably, but it won't be the first time." 

"Thanks, Jim. That's great." 

"I didn't mean it like that, Chief. I just meant that we've both done some stupid things before, but we worked them out." 

Anger laced his skin with sweat as Blair came up out of the chair before the larger man could stop him. Pacing back and forth, he ran his hand through his hair. 

Sitting back, Jim waited, growing even more worried. He'd seen how his guide had to work up to things before he could speak. The more difficult the subject, the more strained and faster the movements. On a scale of one to ten, this registered way past eleven. When he finally did speak, he continued circling the office. 

"Jim, isn't there any way around this thing? I mean, I've been working on a 90-day ride along for almost three years now. Maybe this is the same thing." 

"It's not, Chief. First of all, you're not just a ride along now. You're a consultant with a stipend. Second, somebody IS paying attention because the notice says no check up by Friday, no station pass." He waited, arms folded for the next argument. 

"Okay, well, maybe there's a way to get an extension or something. Surely I'm not the only one who runs behind on this sort of thing. I mean, remember when you kept putting off your physical that time?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Well, maybe if I just ignore it, I can have some more time like you did." 

Shaking his head and sighing, Jim spoke calmly. "If you'll remember, Simon caught up to me, just like he would've caught up with you, if the notices hadn't disappeared off his desk." 

"Oh, man." Blair shook his head and averted his eyes while he continued frantic pacing. 

"We'll deal with that later, Chief. I'm sure Simon will have a few things to say about it. My point now is that I had the exam. Ear wax notwithstanding, everything turned out all right." Staying seated to avoid spooking his skittish partner even more, he shifted forward just a little. He needed to figure out the mystery, so he shot out a direct question. "Is that what you're afraid of, Chief, that something's wrong?" 

"Of course not, man." The answer came out too quickly, too forced. Blair kept moving, but now his hands ended in fists down by his sides. 

"That's what it looks like from here, Blair. Even after all the things that have happened, I don't remember ever seeing you so wound up." 

"I'm just tired, Jim. Can't I just be tired like everybody else some time?" His voice grew louder as he spoke, the rush of words like a storm. "You always think you have all the answers. Well, you don't. Like when am I supposed to do all this shit, Jim? When is there enough time to teach, grade, go to the station, make lesson plans, do research, work on my dissertation, take care of you when you zone out, be a counselor and mentor to every fucked up kid on campus, go to meetings, sit through stake outs?" His voice grew husky as he started choking. "When do I find time to go for some stupid check up when I've got a guy dying in my arms, Jim? Tell me when I'm supposed to do that, huh? Squeeze it in before or after washing off the blood?" 

Only a trace of air moved in the room. Blair stood still, every muscle tensed, his eyes too bright and misted. 

"Jesus, Blair." 

Jim got up and stepped close to his friend. Taking him into an embrace, first resistance faded to trembling. His right hand stroked slumped shoulders as the lost guide in his arms struggled to find his way through a wasteland of grief. 

* * *

"Tell me about John Kelsy, Chief." Jim sat on of the sofa at the loft watching his friend settle down at the other end. 

"What do you want to know, Jim?" His voice sounded tired, but stronger. His feet tucked under him, his hair pushed back behind his ears, he'd composed himself from his earlier loss of control. Fatigue still pulled at his features, each muscle in his face strained. 

"Why don't you start with how you two met." 

"Katie, his sister, the girl you met yesterday, is in my Anthro 101 class. He came by to pick her up one day and we got to talking. He taught some art classes at the university, so we started meeting for lunch sometimes when I wasn't working at the station." The whole time he spoke, Blair played with the edges of the blanket on the back of the couch. His eyes focused there, but never on Jim. 

"So, what did you two talk about?" 

"John had some problems." 

"I guess so, if he was hooked up with Harrison." 

"Jim, please." 

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean......" 

"I know what you meant. You meant that John must have been pretty twisted to be mixed up with a sick fuck like that. And maybe he was, but it doesn't mean that he deserved what happened." 

Shaking his head in denial, Jim protested, keeping his voice low and even. "No body deserves that, Chief. I honestly didn't mean it like that." 

"I know you didn't, but other people will. People are going to be blaming the victims on this, Jim. You know that. They already have. Look at the other men Harrison killed. Until you started on the case, nobody seemed to even give a fuck if some fag freaks were being killed off, right?" 

"No, Chief, not right. Granted some cops are bigots, but we were trying to find the perp. Harrison's a sick bastard, but he's clever. Jesus, Blair, you know what we've been doing trying to catch the guy this month. You've been there the whole time I've been on the case. Do you really think we tried any less to get Harrison because his victims were all gay?" 

"No, I didn't think that about you or Simon, but Graves and Pendleton in vice could've cared less." 

"Which is why they were suspended, Chief." 

"I know, Jim, but why did it take so long to figure out? They weren't exactly too quiet about how they felt for months. Five men are dead now who might not have been if they'd done their jobs. Of course, I don't really give a shit about them, Jim. I really don't. I'm just pissed off at the whole mess. The families are suffering and people are dead for no good reason." 

Nodding, Jim shifted his leg up beside him, his arm across the back of the sofa to position himself to face his partner. "Families aren't the only ones affected, Chief. Tell me what you two talked about." 

"He told me was gay from the beginning. Even asked me out." 

"What?" 

"You heard me." 

"And what did you say?" Jim pushed back hard into the corner of the sofa, containing his fear at the answer. 

"What I always say, I was flattered, but not interested." 

Relief let the older man relax, but he had to ask. "But could you have been?" 

"If you're asking me if I'm gay, Jim, you're not a very good detective." 

Eyebrows up at the challenge, his chest tightened. "Blair, if you'd asked me that a couple of days ago, I would've said without question that you were the straightest guy I've ever met. Since then I can't tell the lies from the truth. It's all tangled up in one big mess." 

Dark blue eyes came up and locked with the larger man's. "Jim, I've never lied to you. I just didn't tell you everything." 

"Same thing, Chief. It's called omission. Right now I'm feeling a little left out of your life. I'm honestly thinking I don't have a clue about who Blair Sandburg is." 

"I'm the same as I've always been when it comes to you, Jim. I'm your friend and your guide. What I do with other people, well, that's not between us." 

"It is if it hurts you, Chief. If you feel like you have to keep secrets, something's really wrong with our friendship. I want to fix that, but I'm not sure how to do that if you're not willing to start with the truth." 

Blair straightened out his legs and stood up to go stand by the window. He crossed one arm around his waist, and placed the other at his mouth. After a few moments, he sat back down in the chair opposite his partner. The muscles in Jim's stomach wanted to rebel at the tension, but eased up slightly as the younger man spoke quietly. 

"I never meant to let anything like this come between us, man. John and I were just friends at first. We'd talk, well he'd talk mostly, but after awhile I realized we had a lot in common." 

"What the hell could you have in common with John Kelsy, Chief? From what we found, he was into S and M clubs. His apartment was filled with all kinds of kinky magazines and toys." 

"Yeah, I know. God, Jim, that would be so awful. It's not bad enough Harrison killed him, but now he's been violated again with everyone going through his personal stuff, his journals, things that should be private." 

"It has to be done, Chief." 

"I know. Part of the job, but that part sucks, Jim. Anyway, when I said we had things in common, it wasn't that part." 

"Then what was it?" 

"At the time I had no idea he was talking about Harrison. You have to believe that, Jim. If I'd had any clue about that, I would've come to you. He kept talking about this guy he'd fallen for, some customer at his gallery, someone he really liked." Blair paused, his breathing a little more forced. 

"And?" 

"And he thought the guy was straight. He didn't know what to do about it. Thing is, that was his pattern. He'd fall for someone unattainable and then feel really depressed. Then he'd go on these trips to the dungeons." 

"Which is where he met Harrison?" 

"Yeah, but it was also Harrison from the gallery. So, John thought his prayers had been answered. He thought he could have Harrison because they both had the same tastes." 

"Tastes? You mean that they were two sides to the coin? Slave and master?" 

"Yeah, but, Jim, you worked vice. You know it doesn't have to be dangerous." 

"There are always risks, Chief, especially when you're ignoring simple rules of the game by getting involved with a stranger." Uneasiness growing, Jim leaned forward. "You still haven't told me why you think you two had so much in common." 

"I'm not into S and M if that's what you're asking." 

"It wasn't exactly, but I'm glad." 

Blair glanced up, curiosity lighting his face just a bit. "Why is that?" 

"I don't like to think of you like that, Chief. I'm trying not to make a value judgment here. I know there are people who do that kind of thing and get off on it. Hell, under certain circumstance, I might even do the same, but I'd never do it with someone I didn't completely trust. From what I've read about the subject that's the whole point. Trusting someone enough to give up control. And, frankly, there are very few people I trust like that." 

Blair stared, his eyes intense and focused. "Man, you surprise me sometimes. 

"Seems like we're even then." 

"Maybe. Anyway, John showed me this stuff, but I'm not into it, Jim. I couldn't even dream of something like that, ever. Pain and submission? Not my deal, man. But, John, he really liked it and he really liked the clubs." 

"They're always a gamble." 

"Yeah, a gamble that cost him his life. I tried to warn him about it, but you can only do so much. He didn't want to listen, or couldn't. He was pretty hooked on it. Needed it to get off." 

"Chief, you've been all over the place, but you still haven't told me why you hooked up with this guy." 

"We just talked, Jim. Nothing else. We were never lovers." 

"I didn't ask that." 

"You didn't have to. It's what you've wanted to ask from the first time you saw him recognize me in the warehouse. You thought it." 

"Yeah, I thought it, but it's none of my business." For the first time in the conversation, Jim looked away. He couldn't hide the terrible guilt of his own anger and jealousy. He'd wanted to kill Kelsy himself when he'd seen the man call out to his partner and realized the bond between them. His guide had secrets, might even have a male lover, and that hurt. He could hardly stand thinking about it even as he sat there fighting back the urge to get every detail. The impact of his own possessiveness shocked him. 

"Well, it could be your business if you wanted it to be." 

"What?" 

"Jim, you keep asking what John and I had in common. The answer's simple. We both wanted people we couldn't have." 

Air thinned between them. "What are you trying to say, Chief?" 

Shoulders went back straighter, as if he steeled himself to speak. "I never really admitted it to anyone before, but John understood. He told me from the beginning that I should talk to you about it, but I didn't listen to him anymore than he did me when it came to advice. He ended up dead. That's a terrible price, but I have to tell you, Jim, sometimes I feel dead inside, too." 

"Blair, you're not making any sense. What the hell do you mean you feel dead inside and who is it you want, but are afraid to tell? A ripple of panic laced the words with extra vibration. 

"Jim, ever since I met you, we've had this incredible connection. Every single day it's like you become more and more important. Except for my mom, you're the most important person in my life. The thing is I don't want to fuck this up, but I have to tell you that you're more than a friend to me." 

"You're my guide. That's more than a friend, Chief. Much more." 

"Maybe, but you know what I'm trying to say, but you're putting me off. I can see it in your eyes. You know what's coming and you as scared to hear it as I am to say it." 

Breathing became secondary to his sense of hearing. "Just say it, Blair." 

"I love you, man." 

"I love you, too, Blair. That's not new." His words came out hushed. 

"No, but I mean I'm in love with you, Jim. And I have to be honest here, it scares the shit out of me. Worse than watching John die or any of the times I've been close to dying." 

Fog descended, clouding his sight. His tongue thickened and found words shifting like dry gravel. "Am I that scary, Chief?" 

"What?" 

"What did you think I might do if you told me the truth, Blair? Did you think I might get offended or act like the worse thing in the world would be to have your best friend love you?" His body held still from fear of breaking, as his head shook side to side. "You don't know me anymore than I thought I knew you." 

"Jesus, Jim" Blair leaned forward in the chair, his elbows on his knees, hands held together. "Are you saying that you love me, too?" 

"I guess you could say that, Chief. I guess you could also say that you're not the only one who weaves a few lies around the place." 

"Man, this is really crazy." Blair smiled a little and then asked softly. "Jim, what do you think we should do about this?" 

Swallowing hard, his body stiffened from unexpected revelation as well as anticipation, his words came out husky. "I guess we should start by sitting closer together. It's harder to keep lying when you're sitting side by side." 

Shyly, Blair shifted to sit next to Jim, his movements unsure and slightly awkward. As Jim slid his arm around his shoulders, he pulled him closer and held him there, soaking in the warmth of the body all along his chest and thigh. His partner's voice vibrated and tickled. "This feels so weird, man." 

"Does it?" Jim smiled. He didn't think weird described it. Deliciously arousing better fit his description of having his guide literally at his side. 

"Yeah, but I think I could get used to it." 

"God, I hope so." 

Blair snuggled in a little closer. "It feels nice." 

"No lie?" 

Blair grinned. "No more lies, Jim." 

"I'm going to hold you to that, Chief." 

Just sitting there together, Jim's muscles relaxed as he took in the slower, more settled breathing beside him. A few minutes later, he smiled to himself and then gently kissed the top of brown curls so near his lips. The man he loved slept safely in his arms while some wild thing ran around like crazy yelling, "Yes!" inside his head. 

* * *

"But, Jim, I have a class this afternoon and then there are all those reports you didn't finish." 

"I don't think you want to go see Simon until we've done this, Chief. Now quit stalling." 

"I'm not stalling. I'm just trying to talk sense." 

Jim stood at the counter, arms crossed, lips pursed. Blair sat at the table all in all on the edge of panic. "Look, I thought we'd settled this. No more lies. I want the truth about why you're acting like some headcase about going for a simple physical." 

"Headcase? Come on, man. That's harsh. A lot of people hate going to the doctor. You're never exactly thrilled either." 

Lips pouted, arms crossed in a fair imitation of his partner, Blair sat back in his chair still as stubborn as ever. Jim decided brute demands hadn't worked, so he'd try something else. "Okay, Chief. You win. You're a grown man. Lord knows, I can see that." A quick suggestive grin passed, but he didn't stop talking. "So, if you don't want to go, I can't force you. I just hope you can get used to living with some frustrated desk jockey whose only job risk will be paper cuts." 

"What? What are you talking about, man?" Arms came onto the table, while blue eyes got a bit wider. 

"You know what the notice said. No exam, no ride along. They mean it. I need you as a partner, Chief. I think my zone out at the warehouse pretty much proved that. Again." 

"Yeah, it was a bad one this time." The young face traveled from tight concern to thoughtful, processing the whole package of memories rerunning in his mind. 

"I really need you, but that's not going to happen without this. Simon's already said he'd put me on a desk for my own safety. And though I hate like hell to admit it, I have to agree with him." 

"God, you're good, Jim." The voice dripped admiration. 

"What?" The feigned innocence came with undercover experience. 

"You know I can't handle guilt." 

"I don't know what you're talking about, Chief. I'm just telling you that you can do what you want even if it means condemning me to the hell of eternal paper work." 

"Damn. I really hate this." Blair pushed an unruly curl back away from his face, locking it behind his ear. "You're making it impossible for me to say no. I hate when you do that." 

"Yeah? You said you loved me just yesterday. Am I just a passing fancy for a young man's heart?" 

A club to the skull couldn't have gotten a quicker, more painful reaction. "What? Jim, man, don't say shit like that." 

No longer teasing, Jim came to kneel beside his partner. "I'm sorry, Blair. You're right. I shouldn't have joked, not when you're already upset." Hanging his head just a little, he complained, "I'm really bad at this relationship stuff. You should know that going in." 

Blair reached out a hand to caress the side of Jim's face. The touch fired a whole list of sensory recollections of the young man's body pressed to his throughout the night. Heated flesh comforting his skin, the whiff of fresh soap from his hair, the tickle of his beard against his forearm as he slept, the pounding of Blair's heart in cadence with his own. All the images soothed him, washed him in a need to be forever connected to this one man. 

"I love you, Jim. It's no joke. I know I don't have the best history to help you believe that, but I do. I'd never lie about that." 

"I know that, Chief. I love you, too, so no more games here. I really want you to get that check up." 

He stroked the face a few more times and then turned away. "I know this is stupid, but this kind of thing always throws me." 

"Well, the appointment isn't for another hour. Want to share the story?" 

"It's not much of one." 

Jim stood and pulled over a chair so he could sit down at the table. "That's a little hard to believe considering all the effort you took to avoid it. Hell, you could've had twenty exams by now." 

"I know. It's just that it's been a really long time. Except for that drug test to get to work with you in the beginning and the times I've been in the hospital from being shot or drugged, I haven't had a physical since I was a kid." 

Jim involuntarily flinched at the quick images of his friend after the golden and the bullet from Quinn. "How far back are we talking about here, Chief? Kid covers a lot of ages." 

"Well, I saw a doctor when I broke my arm when I was ten, but except for shots and things for my passport, that's about it." 

"You're kidding?" 

"Nope. My mom's not a great believer in contemporary medicine. We moved around a lot and I didn't get sick much. I never went to a doctor unless there was no way around it." 

Shaking his head in a mixture of disbelief and admiration for ingenuity, Jim smiled. "Well, hell, no wonder you've been acting so fucked up." 

"Thanks, Jim. Fucked up works so much better than headcase. Ever think of going into psychology?" 

"Why bother? I've got plenty to keep busy right here." He frowned, his hurt genuine. The older man reached out and touched his leg, comforting and supportive. "Seriously, Blair, you're scared for a good reason." 

"I'm not scared. I just don't see the point if there's nothing wrong with me. Why subject myself to poking and prodding by some person I don't even know? Sounds humiliating." 

"You're scared because the only time you've ever seen any doctors you've been hurt. It only stands to reason that you'd unconsciously associate doctors with pain and discomfort." 

Blair shifted nervously in his chair and then nodded, "I guess in a way it makes sense. It just sounds kind of simple." 

"Most psychology is when it's someone else's. Just like you can see when I'm having trouble with my senses when I get stressed out or that repression thing I do when I don't want to remember something painful. You can see it, but I can't until you point it out. You get what I'm trying to say here, Chief?" 

Reluctantly he nodded. "Yeah, I think so. Doctor's freak me out because whenever I've had to see one I'm hurt and at their mercy. Yeah, I get it, man. Still don't like it though." 

"I understand that, but at least now that we've got that fear response thing figured out, we can handle it together." 

Blair looked up, giving his partner his best dirty look. "God, I hate when you do that." 

"What did I do this time?" 

"Use my own words against me. You always do that." 

"Gee, Chief. Just quoting a master." 

"Fuck you, Jim." 

"Maybe later, babe. Now, let's go see the doctor. Remember how to cough on cue?" 

"Oh, man, I think I'm going to be sick." 

"Then we're going in the right direction." 

* * *

Blair walked into the loft without speaking a word. Jim stepped right behind him, locking the door. He wished whoever had demanded the new rule about physicals in the first place suffered perpetual car jam as a form of eternal damnation. "Come on, Chief. It's not that bad." 

"I don't want to talk about it, Jim. Just stop." 

"You're being childish." The words escaped like pesky critters before he could catch them. Blair's hurt expression wounded him with immediate regret. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that." 

"Sure you did. You always mean what you say, even if it is bullshit." 

Jim shook his head as he rubbed at the stabbing-throb combination right between his eyes. The whole day had defined disaster. "Blair, would you please just settle down. Lots of people faint when they give blood." 

"That's when they give a whole pint of blood, Jim, not just a few samples. I was down so fast, I didn't even know what happened. God, it was so humiliating waking up with everybody staring like that." 

"You're exaggerating just a little, Chief. It was only the doctor, a couple of nurses and a lab tech." 

"And you." 

"Yeah, well, I heard you whimper right before the thud and couldn't stop myself. Sorry." He reached into the refrigerator for a beer. "Want one?" 

"No. I'm too wound up to eat or drink anything without barfing my guts out. Damn, you heard me whimper?" 

"Yeah, but it was just a little one, Chief. I'm sure no one else heard it. Now, why don't you just sit down and try to relax a little while I order us some dinner? 

"Jesus, Jim, you're not listening. I don't want anything to eat or drink. I just said that." 

"Sorry, but, Chief, I'm telling you you're way over the line on this. This is no big deal." 

"No big deal? What if they fail me, Jim? Then what? Who'll be your partner? 

"You're not going to fail, Chief." He bit back the comment about being grateful for no psych evaluation requirement. 

"I mean, what was that just lie back on the table while they take my blood pressure every 15 minutes for almost two damn hours before I even got the exam. I know they don't normally do that." 

"No, they don't, but most people aren't so wired when they go in there. Your pressure was way too high, and then when you fainted, well, they just wanted to play it safe." Jim stepped over and sat down on the sofa, his beer in hand, fatigue tagging at the back of his neck. 

"I'm scared here, Jim. I just know they're going to fail me. Why else would he order extra blood tests after all that god awful poking and grabbing shit. I asked him what he was looking for and he just said he'd know when he found it, not to worry about it until he called. Well, fuck, Jim, I have a right to know what's going on." 

"There's nothing going on. He's just being thorough. What I'm worried about is why you're still so upset. You just need to come sit beside me and calm down." 

For the first time since their arrival home, Blair stopped moving and focused. A shy smile finally touched his lips before he spoke. "I don't know, Jim. Sitting next to someone who just told me he loves me might not be all that soothing. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee that it won't be." His face flushed with a hint of excitement as he slipped off his jacket and put it over on the rack. 

"Look at it this way though. If I let you lie around for two hours, it won't be to get you blood pressure down." 

He grabbed the side of his head and bent slightly as he rubbed the other across his stomach. "Oh, man. Maybe I do need to sit." 

"What's wrong?" Jim started to get up, but Blair signaled him to stay seated. 

"I'm okay. Just dizzy for a second. It's all this stress, man. All this doctor stuff and John dying and just everything thrown together." He settled next to Jim and leaned against his side. A large arm draped around him and pulled him closer. 

"You're exhausted, Chief. You're tired and you haven't eaten. Add that to all the other and it's a bad combination." Slowly, Jim used the slightest of pressures to shift Blair's head to his lap, using his thighs as pillows. 

Turning on his side, the younger man restlessly struggled to find the most comfortable position, his face toward Jim, and then stopped moving before he sighed. "God, your legs don't make the best cushions, man, but lord, you smell nice." 

Blushing to his ear tips, Jim smiled. "Smell nice?" 

"Yeah, man. Don't have to be a sentinel to know you like me." Teasingly, Blair rubbed his face into the older man's crotch to find growing arousal coming his way. In a quiet voice, very low and husky, he whispered. "Well, hello there, little buddy." 

Jim's head dropped back against the couch while both his hands laced themselves though Blair's thick curls. "Oh, shit, Chief. You're going to kill me here. I can already tell. Oh, god, that feels so good." 

Using one hand to stroke against the outside cloth, massaging the bulge behind the zipper, he used the other to run up along Jim's belly up to his chest. "Do you have any idea how long I've wanted to do this?" 

Eyes squeezed tightly shut, Jim struggled again the waves of sensation swarming through his groin, the heat of Blair's cheek against his leg, the intense music of his voice. His groaned, the air too thick to make it to constricted lungs. "Blair." 

Movement stopped. "Jim, don't leave me here, man. Don't zone. Oh, man. I never even thought about that. Shit." 

The chanting words from his guide's full lips carried heated breaths each time he said Jim. Slowly, he focused on the concerned blue eyes now level with his own. "Wow, Chief." 

"Damn, Jim. We didn't even do anything yet." 

"Felt like it." Still rock hard, throbbing with a pain so close to pleasure he craved it, he placed his hands on both sides of Blair's face and drew him closer, capturing lips which parted immediately. The rough edge of the whiskers increased the friction, each stiff hair stimulating hungry palms, the skin flushed with energy. Steam slicked both tongues meeting, sliding and wrapping one another. The flavor of oranges from earlier blasted through him as he sucked harder and then pushed in, scraping tender tissue against hard enamel, softer inner gums. 

He swallowed in the rush of moans while Blair busied his own hands, one behind Jim's head to cup and pull it closer, the other to pull up Jim's shirt. Fingers rolled hardened nipples, each spiking jabs to his heart. Knees straddled the older man's right thigh, bringing the heat of Blair's arousal to push against Jim's chest. Suddenly, an open palm settled against his sternum and the grad student pushed away. 

"We need to slow down, man, before my head explodes." 

"I have a different explosion in mind, Chief." The gravely voice growled as Jim pulled him back. 

"Hold up. I'm telling you to wait here, man." Mind still foggy, it took several extra moments for the meaning to sink in and for the body to obey. 

Clarity returned with a narrow vision and muffled sounds to find a struggle going on in his arms. Finally the frantic words made sense. "I said stop, Jim." Slowly he released his grip and warmth left him. 

"Chief?" 

Backing away from the couch, Blair stared, wide-eyed, his hands nervously pushing back his hair. "Oh, man, Jim, I'm sorry. I just sort of panicked there. Oh, man, I am like so fucked." 

Shaking his head harder, aiming to bring his senses back down to a manageable level he couldn't miss the hyper drive going on inside his partner. "It's okay, Blair. Just calm down. I came on too strong." 

"No, man, no, it's not you. I started it. Jesus, I can't believe I just did that." 

"Did what?" 

"Stopped what I've been waiting around for ever since I met you." 

Tilting his head, just catching the slip, Jim smiled. "Ever since you met me? Really?" 

"Really, man? Like I was so gone, you can't even imagine. Now, I've screwed it all up." He stood there, arms wrapped around himself, his eyes glancing to the door, his whole body tensed and ready to bolt. 

"Just calm down, Chief, and tell me what you're talking about. What have you screwed up?" 

"What do you mean, man? I just got you going and then I couldn't go through with it." 

"So? We went a little too fast. It's not a problem. We're both coming into this completely new." 

"But I want to do this." 

"And we will, but not necessarily right now." Shifting carefully, his cock still frustrated and weeping another story, bulging against a denim jail, he reached out. "Come on, Chief, just sit down. We're just going to talk." 

Reluctant and embarrassed, he hesitated, but gradually he took Jim's hand. Fingers locked around fingers and the older man eased him down beside him. "Relax. It's okay." 

"You're not upset?" 

"Not really." He grinned slyly and cupped his balls. "I mean, I'm a little tight here, but I'll live. Hard on's aren't fatal, thank god, or I'd die every morning." 

A small smile rewarded Jim's humor. He lowered his voice, thickened with the pleasure of having his love so near. Comfort mode aroused him almost as much as kissing, well, almost. 

"You're right, Chief. It was too fast. I can't help it, Blair. You turn me on like nobody's business, but we need to take this at a comfortable pace for both of us. It's not like we're on some kind of schedule or time limit." 

Less stiffly, Blair leaned back and nodded. "Yeah, that's true." 

"I mean, I know we've both had lovers, but I've never been with a man. It's different, though I have to say it feels really good to kiss you. That beard, wow. I never would've guessed how good that feels." 

His guide's voice sounded low and unsure. "You liked it, huh? Really?" 

"Sure. Didn't you?" 

"Oh, man, yeah. I'm not really sure what happened. One second I'm all turned on and wanting to suck your cock and your tongue and any other place I can get to, and the bam, things started going crazy." 

"Crazy how?" Very slowly, Jim started to pet the top of Blair's hair as he talked, edging his body closer, safer. 

"I don't know. That's just it. All of a sudden I started thinking and...." 

"Thinking? Well, hell, that's the problem then." The tease coupled with a quick tousle got the right response. 

"Man, come on, cut it out. I'm serious. I just got scared, that's all. Having you after all this time, well, it just seemed like a dream. But, then I couldn't breathe and you were holding me so tight, I couldn't move. You were zoning and I couldn't get your attention." 

"Oh, you had my attention, completely." 

"You know what I mean." Blair rested his head on Jim's chest while he spoke, his body more calm and easy. 

"Yeah, I do. I really didn't hear you right away. You know I don't always recognize a zone out, but I guess that's what happened." He frowned while he spoke. "Please don't tell me that the zone's going to stop us from ever being together, Chief." 

"No, man, that would really suck big time. No, but we do need to take precautions. Go slow so I can recognize the signs. Besides, even if you did zone, I shouldn't have gone nuts like that. A guide's supposed to be calm and I lost it big time." Blair nuzzled his face into Jim's chest and spoke very lightly. "I've just never been good with rough, man." 

"Rough? I was rough?" 

"No, not exactly. Intense is a better word, but if I can't get your attention, well, I'm sorry, you're just so much bigger. I know sometimes it's hard to stop something once you're into it." 

Shocked, Jim stared down at the man in his arms. "You think I would hurt you?" 

"No, man, not intentionally, but well, when you zone, you don't always know what's going on. I know it's really stupid, but I just got scared." 

The heartbeat raced a little faster again. Shit. "Blair, what aren't you telling me here?" 

"Nothing." 

"Nothing? Blair, did someone ever go a little too far or hurt you?" 

The stillness answered the question before the words. Finally a whisper reached sentinel ears. "I can't talk about it, Jim. But I'm over it. It was a really long time ago. I love you. It's got nothing to do with this." 

"God, Chief. It's got everything to do with this." 

"No, man, it doesn't. I won't let it. That's all over." The tensing of muscles returned and Blair pulled away. "Jim, I'm sorry. I'm really tired. I think I just need to take a shower and go to bed early." 

The too bright eyes stared at him, bright and sad at the same time. "Sure, Chief. We slept good together last night. You want to try that again?" 

"The two of just spooned together? Yeah, that was really nice." He ran a hand back through his hair and nodded. "I'm going to shower and maybe then we can eat or something. I just don't want to deal with anything else tonight, okay?" 

"It's fine, Blair. You're the guide. Guide me as fast or as slow in any direction and I'll follow." 

A smile worthy of angels graced the loft. "Yeah? You'd let me be in charge, man?" 

"Sure, Chief. I could do that, in fact, I think I'd even like it." 

"Really? Cool, Jim. This guide thing just might work out." 

As Blair left, pleased and grinning again, Jim closed his eyes, fighting off the revelations shimmering like sharp, dangerous slivers his friend's words. The path before them held the traps of tangled lies and secrets, but he'd find them, destroy and expose them with every talent he possessed. He would not lose the man he loved to fear and history. Truth would make them both stronger and able to survive in the jungle of the future, a wild arena filled with hungry monsters lurking, braced for cowardly ambush. 

Smiling, Jim whispered, the words loaded with determination and steadily aimed. "Sentinel-Guide thing, Chief. We're a team. Now and forever." 

The End 


End file.
